Listen Up

 “Did I say something wrong? ... Maybe you just needed someone to listen to your heart. Maybe I spoke too soon. Maybe I said too much. Now that my face is blue, I think it’s time to listen up.”

That is a snippet of a song by Brandon Heath that I became extremely attached to over the summer. I especially like the line, “Maybe you just needed someone to listen to your heart.” How often do you feel that way? How often do you give another person that same patience and kindness that you search for? Do we wait until our face is blue?

What is Listening?

While I have always considered myself a caring person, listening has been one of my weak points for a long time. I used to think listening was merely waiting to talk until someone had finished speaking. I also thought that I needed to “further conversation” through responding with questions, comments, and similar experiences. This actually led to a lack of listening on my part; I would get so focused on figuring out how to respond that I would miss important parts of what was being conveyed. I could not as Shakespeare said, “Hear the meaning behind the words.”

Finally, a guy I was dating told me that he felt as though I didn’t listen to or care about what he said. After that, I spent the next two days reflecting on my behavior. I realized that he was right; I did not do a very good job at really focusing on others as I listened to them. Since then, improving my ability to listen to others has been a major focus of mine.

Due to that, I found some training required for work extremely helpful. “Active listening: More than just paying attention” byKathryn Robertson caught my focus. In it, active listening is defined as giving free and undivided attention to the speaker. Free attention is then described as giving your whole awareness and attention to the other person, listening with engagement and appreciation. It also listed and explained common roadblocks to communication. I was able to identify several of them in my normal interactions with others.

Roadblocks to Communication

“In some ways active listening is characterized more by what is not done, than what is done. (Roberts 1053)”

1.       Judging

-          Criticizing

-          Name calling or labeling

-          Diagnosing

-          Appraising

2.       Suggesting Solutions

-          Ordering

-          Threatening

-          Moralizing

-          Excessive/inappropriate questioning

-          advising

3.       Avoiding the other’s concerns

-          Diverting

-          Logical argument

-          Reassuring

 This information, combined with the reflective listening techniques, has allowed me to begin replacing roadblocks with more constructive comments. Instead of stating my opinion, I can rephrase and restate what the other person has just said, in a way that will facilitate more exploration and explanation. It is astounding sometimes how much I open up when someone redresses an idea or feeling that I just expressed. It gives me permission to continue on that subject. It makes me feel heard. I’m sure many, if not all, of you have felt the same.

Behind the Words

“You can learn to be a better listener, but learning it is not like learning a skill that is added to what we know. It is a peeling away of things that interfere with listening, our preoccupations, our fear, of how we might respond to what we hear.” Ian McWhinney

As I focused, in my personal life, on using reflective listening techniques and letting the other person do the majority of the talking, I found myself much more at ease, less distracted, and able to later recall more of what was discussed. When my friend and I were talking in the car one night, I decided to just listen. While I would answer questions and comment from time to time, I really let him direct the conversation. I greatly enjoyed just listening to him and learning more about his background and his personality. Because I was more focused on him, I was able to gauge and interpret breaks in speech in a way I usually could not before. Not only did I gain knowledge about him, I gained a better understanding of him. This understanding then led to a greater appreciation and love for who he is as a person.

 Doctrine and Covenants 88:122 says to “let one speak at a time and let all listen unto his sayings, that when all have spoken that all may be edified of all.” In Christ’s ministry, the stories of his miracles often begin with people seeking him out, telling their story, and asking for his help. In Luke 5:22, Jesus was able to perceive the thoughts of the Pharisees and Scribes. So, why then would Christ wait, listening to each plea and asking questions, when he already knew what troubled each soul and how to ease that burden? 

Could learning to LISTEN be at the core of learning to LOVE?