“Did I say
something wrong? ... Maybe you just needed someone to listen to your heart.
Maybe I spoke too soon. Maybe I said too much. Now that my face is blue, I
think it’s time to listen up.”
That is a snippet of a song by Brandon Heath that I became extremely
attached to over the summer. I especially like the line, “Maybe you just needed
someone to listen to your heart.” How often do you feel that way? How often do
you give another person that same patience and kindness that you search for? Do
we wait until our face is blue?
What
is Listening?
While I have always considered
myself a caring person, listening has been one of my weak points for a long
time. I used to think listening was merely waiting to talk until someone had finished
speaking. I also thought that I needed to “further conversation” through
responding with questions, comments, and similar experiences. This actually led
to a lack of listening on my part; I would get so focused on figuring out how
to respond that I would miss important parts of what was being conveyed. I
could not as Shakespeare said, “Hear
the meaning behind the words.”
Finally, a guy I was dating told
me that he felt as though I didn’t listen to or care about what he said. After
that, I spent the next two days reflecting on my behavior. I realized that he
was right; I did not do a very good job at really focusing on others as I
listened to them. Since then, improving my ability to listen to others has been
a major focus of mine.
Due to that, I found some training required for work
extremely helpful.
“Active listening: More than just paying attention” byKathryn Robertson caught my focus. In it,
active listening is defined as giving
free and undivided attention to the speaker.
Free attention is then described
as giving your whole awareness and attention to the other person, listening
with engagement and appreciation. It also listed and explained common
roadblocks to communication. I was able to identify several of them in my
normal interactions with others.
Roadblocks
to Communication
“In some ways active listening is characterized more by what is not done, than what is done. (Roberts 1053)”
1. Judging
-
Criticizing
-
Name calling or labeling
-
Diagnosing
-
Appraising
2. Suggesting Solutions
-
Ordering
-
Threatening
-
Moralizing
-
Excessive/inappropriate questioning
-
advising
3. Avoiding the other’s concerns
-
Diverting
-
Logical argument
-
Reassuring
This information,
combined with the reflective listening techniques, has allowed me to begin
replacing roadblocks with more constructive comments. Instead of stating my
opinion, I can rephrase and restate what the other person has just said, in a
way that will facilitate more exploration and explanation. It is astounding
sometimes how much I open up when someone redresses an idea or feeling that I
just expressed. It gives me permission to continue on that subject. It makes me
feel heard. I’m sure many, if not all, of you have felt the same.
Behind
the Words
“You can learn to be a better listener, but learning it is not like learning a skill that is added to what we know. It is a peeling away of things that interfere with listening, our preoccupations, our fear, of how we might respond to what we hear.” Ian McWhinney
As I focused, in my personal life,
on using reflective listening techniques and letting the other person do the
majority of the talking, I found myself much more at ease, less distracted, and
able to later recall more of what was discussed. When my friend and I were
talking in the car one night, I decided to just listen. While I would answer
questions and comment from time to time, I really let him direct the conversation.
I greatly enjoyed just listening to him and learning more about his background
and his personality. Because I was more focused on him, I was able to gauge and
interpret breaks in speech in a way I usually could not before. Not only did I gain
knowledge about him, I gained a
better understanding of him. This
understanding then led to a greater appreciation and love for who he is as a
person.
Doctrine and Covenants 88:122 says to “let one
speak at a time and let all listen unto his sayings, that when all have spoken
that all may be edified of all.” In Christ’s ministry, the stories of his miracles often begin with people seeking him out, telling their story, and asking for his help. In Luke 5:22, Jesus was able to perceive the thoughts of the Pharisees and Scribes. So, why then would Christ wait, listening to each plea and asking questions, when he already knew what troubled each soul and how to ease that burden?
Could learning to LISTEN be at
the core of learning to LOVE?
